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New for You! Remarrying with Children
Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Member Surveys, Relationships: Children, Marriage
This Post has been viewed 6360 times.
Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 4/15/2003
A member asks:
Dating someone with children: Should someone who has never had children, like me,
get involved with someone with children or would people with children
be more compatible with someone who has them also?
And another member asks a similar question:
Remarrying with children: Perhaps some have fears concerning this.
How do they blend together, especially when the children are above 6 yrs old. Especially, especially teens.
We all want love and acceptance in our truly Christian homes. How will it work?
Bonnie23blue:
Female - Age Range: 21-30
You may use my alias.
Dating with children. First of all, from experience, the children should NOT be involved in the process till after a commitment is made. (Refer to Survey Results: 'Exclusive Dating')
When my son was younger, I allowed the gentleman I was dating to be involved in our lives. We went out together for dinner, enjoyed outing to the park, etc. and it worked out great. Now, he is older and 'knows' what is going on. The last gentleman I dated made a big impact on my son, and I didn't realize how much till AFTER the relationship ended. That was a mistake that will not happen again.
Children are very sensitive and bright. Don't subject them to heartbreak.
Now, if you don't feel comfortable around children or have second thoughts about them, don't involve yourself. A single parent comes with 'baggage'. (I hate that word, but it’s commonly used) Don't do this especially if you don't want children in the future cause you will marry into a 'pre-made' family. (Common sense)
For those of you that don't mind children...(look at my profile!) Just kidding... *grin* Naw, if you have the patience to work through the extra 'baggage', and work even harder MAKING IT WORK. Great! It's worth a try!
I don’t think it is right for a single parent to only exclusively date non-parents though. But then, it is all a matter of opinion!
Now, as far as remarrying with children, I can’t comment since I don’t have any experience on that issue. Better leave it to the professionals (ones who have done it).
A big ‘high-five’ to all the single parents! It’s a job intended for two.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
In my opinion, it depends on how much you love children despite if they are your own biologically or not. Once you marry your spouce, his or her children become your also as you are joined together as a family. I am a widow with a 2 yr old son and hope that someone would be excepting of my son as his and not discriminate if the both of us were to have children together.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I do think it is easier for people who have children in one aspect. I believe that people who already have children do not have to get used to the idea of children being around, and they have a pretty good idea that children take alot of one's time to correctly provide a healthy atmosphere. The hard cold facts is that anytime you put people together whether it is a man and woman or children there is always going to be adjustment period due to people being different. Young children are more to accept another person rather than a teenager. If the man/woman coming into the relationship presents themselves as a friend rather than a mom or dad it is much easier for the teen to let that person blend into that family unit. All in all I feel that if there are children involved that it is going to take two special people to stick it out through the adjustments of a blended family. I personally have chosen to date and not get married until my oldest is graduated and my youngest is at least close to graduation. If God wants anything different than he will give me the strength I need to get through.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
One good thing about being a single mom and marrying someone who does not have children, is there is less of an adjustment (only your children have to adjust - not two sets of children). Also, there's less overlap as far as sharing of parents time, grandparents time, parental visitation from both previous spouses. If you can find a compassionate soul who loves children and loves you (yet doesn't have children) - he may welcome a ready-made family and 'make it his own.' This would be my hope. I prefer to date men who do not have children. You may call it selfish; but, then my child would only have to get used to one new person (their stepfather), not his children. That's just my preference.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
Though I have seen remarrying with children successfully done, my advice would be ..be careful the potential mate should be a mature individual willing to give of themselves and not jealous of your time and attention spent on your(?) children. In my case my husband was even jealous of any time or attention I spent with his children also. He prevented me from developing a relationship with his children as well as not cultivating one with mine. Some people just stir up trouble which is what he would have done whether we had children or not. Children are not the main issue as much as a giving heart and a mature attitude.
Female - Age Range: 51-60
I married a man with three almost grown kids. My daughter was 5 so I am not an authority. But I have a friend who married a man with 7 kids, and they had 1!
They are still married and happy almost 40 years later, so I know it can work. It probably will be work, though. But, it will be worth it in the long run.I would consider a man with children.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
Re-marrying with children: Remember that the children are part of the person you are considering marrying and those children have FIRST claim to that person. Learn to KNOW the children. Learn their likes and dslikes and what their interests are. Talk to them.. accept them as human beings with feelings. They have a GREAT NEED for acceptance and love. Include them in as many activities and outings as possible. They MUST be included and made to feel a part of the possible family that will be formed with a new marriage. If a woman feels 'jealous' of the man's children, especially if they are girls. then she needs to get some professional counseling OR do a thorough soul search to find out why she feels jealous or better yet...GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP before the children and their father ( as well as you) experience a whole lot of hurt and destruction that is not necessary. The same goes for a man. A lot of men are very jealous and insecure with another man's children and especially with the boys. This is a shame because the children can not help being born or to whom they were born. It is very FOOLISH to even think of marrying someone when you cannot accept the PACKAGE DEAL. YOU CANNOT just marry the woman or man when there are children involved. YOU MARRY the CHILDREN also. SOME men leave their wives and children for another woman and then expect their children to accept the new wife with open arms...but consider the pain, shame and grief those children have suffered along with their mother. Their whole lives have been shattered for the sake of a very selfish couple of people. Sometimes it is the man and the children who is shattered, it works both ways at times. More often though it happens to the woman and the children. The children need to be considered with great respect and understanding by a new man that would come into their mother's life. Children deserve a lot more respect and consideration than they get in a lot of instances. They are usually very smart. They usually can see through a lot of situations and people. They may not voice their thoughts at times. but they may act out in anger or rebellion or drifting off into a shell or getting involved with the wrong friends and influences which could ruin their lives. The new person in their lives NEED to be able to use a lot of common sense and think of the needs of the children as well as their own needs or the needs of the person they are seeking as a new partner in marriage. It is very important to respect the beliefs of the children also and make it known to them that you do respect their beliefs. To me children are precious, and can be wonderful adults when they are influenced and lead in the way that children SHOULD go and it takes intelligence and thought to discover which way they SHOULD go. Hopefully the parents will love and respect their children and make it known to the prospective NEW partner what they expect for themselves and their children. The children were there first... so you have to accept that fact and not try to close them out or 'get rid of them' in some way...like shipping them off to boarding schools, or relatives or out onto the streets.. INCLUDE the children, protect the children, respect the children, discuss as much of your plans for the future as you can so they won't be taken by surprise or feel left out, unwanted. forsaken or abandoned. Chidren are very special human beings and bring SO MUCH joy into our lives.. REMEMBER they have deep deep feelings for their parent. Therefore PLEASE give them a lot of consideration....AND KEEP your tongue civil and your hands OFF their bodies. You may have some input but let the PARENT do the disciplining then the children will learn to respect you and you will find they will, in time, actually seek your advice or instruction. That's how I feel about re-marrying with children.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
My personal advice is you should marry someone who is widow with or without children or a never married without children or with children who hasn't lived long in fornication.
There came a man to see his little daughter to his exwife house when the exwife was there. They took adventage that the latter husband (''2nd'') wasn't at home and start to discuss their past problems and breaking up. The conversation was long, full of complains, whispers, excuses, remembrances, probably beggings, tears. I suppose at times she wanted to return with him. Their little daughter never seemed to understand her new father disciplines, she never wept, never spoke, never smiled, she looked thoughtful all the time. Longging for the hugs of her real father who still loved her and loved mom.
Adultery was the reason of her leaving the first husband. Her first husband never knew I caught her in the act, nobody else knew. Because I caught her in the act she may has felt obligated to blame her first husband of... and departed. How will it work with the second husband? Sombody else had to take care of the little girl. The last thing I Knew was she had a third husband. I don't know more.
I recently wanted to know the percentage of divorced people in dating sites compared with singles in dating sites. When I knew I wept.
Male - Age Range: 41-50
In my first marriage, There was two children from her first husband. My experience is, it is a most wonderful thing to say yes to someone elses children. Make sure the other person's children like you. It will be great for the overall family relationship. Every consideration must be given to the children. There opinion is most important in this type of marriage. They need to be able to express their feelings too. Praise God!!!
Male - Age Range: 41-50
i was married around 15 years ago to someone wigh children who lived hundreds of miles away and she wanted to go back to them after the marrage and have me live in this town while she lived with her childrenhundreds of miles away thus the need for marittal relations should have takenpresident before not after the marrage this contributed to a divorce as when she left and returned to me she wanted me to proveto her that i had not ben with another person while she was gone with an aids test. if she had stayed with me and not left trust would have ben there. if satin didnt use the seperation that caused trust to go and the divorce then i beleve that the place children took should have ben taken into concideration before the marrage not after.
IndyPilot:
Male - Age Range: 51-60
You may use my alias
If you don't want to deal with children, then don't date someone with children. If you want children and don't have your own, taking on your mate's children can be a challenge but it has its rewards also. You need to allow time for the children to adjust to you and you need to settle how you are going to jointly relate to them. None of us had any parenting experience before our first ones so learning on the job should not be a deterrant. The important thing is to present a united front and a devoted, loving, committed environment for all - which is the model we should be presenting to them anyway. There is a great joy in seeing this come together and receiving the affection and appreciation from step-children in the 'I'm glad you're my mom/dad' notes when they are grown.
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