Engagements: How long? Nannette sounds off.

Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Cyber Dating, Member Surveys
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Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 9/8/2003

I don't believe anyone can judge someone else as to whether it is too soon or not. God found a mate for Isaac without his ever having met her, so who is to say that God hasn't found two people for one another. I knew a couple that married within 24 hours of meeting and they remained married until the day she died in her eighties. I believe older couples stayed together longer simply because divorce was not an option, so they were forced to work it out, rather than take the easy way (which is really the hard way).

I know an author who indicates that "Early marriages are not to be encouraged. A relation so important as marriage and so far-reaching in its results should not be entered upon hastily, without sufficient preparation, and before the mental and physical powers are well developed." - Letters to Young Lovers - E.G. White.

However, the author is referring to young people, not yet mature. I know older people can also act immature as well, so a couple should be guarded.

Also in this same book, "Even if an engagement has been entered into without a full understanding of the character of the one with whom you intend to unite, do not think that the engagement makes it a positive necessity for you to take upon yourself the marriage vow and link yourself for life to one whom you cannot love and respect. Be very careful how you enter into conditional engagements; but better, far better, break the engagement before marriage than separate afterward, as many do."

I fully believe in the above statement. I had a friend who became engaged, and later regretted the decision, but felt that she had to marry the person because she had promised. I told her that was a promise that she was allowed to break, but she didn't feel that way. They did marry, and were divorced within three months.

I was once engaged, and all throughout the few weeks of engagement, I noticed things that "weren't right." I felt he was dishonest (which I later found he lied about literally everything). His answers to the pastor during our marriage counseling were not those expected of a Christian. I kept waiting for my pastor to say something to me, counseling me against this, but he never did. I would talk to my family about it and they never tried to discourage me. I finally gave up on them "seeing" the flaws that I saw and broke it off myself. Even though my mother saw the flaws and after I tore up the marriage license, she felt sorry for him and acted as though I should go on with it. The pastor and family admitted that they felt I shouldn't marry him, after I had broken up, but that they didn't say anything during the engagement because they didn't want me to go ahead with it out of rebelliousness. Doh! Pastors and parents, don't be so dumb! It is your responsibility to point out things in love. That person just may be waiting for someone else to see the flaws and tell them it is a poor decision! You don't have to blatantly say something, but you can ask if they've noticed such and such and ask what they think of it, in order to open it up for discussion.

So, yes, I was once engaged and God made it very clear to me that there were problems. I'm glad I heeded His warnings and broke off the relationship.

I am the owner of this site and am married to Larry. Larry and I didn't meet online. But the first moment I saw him, I was attracted, in spite of the long hair, scraggly beard, polyester tacky clothes. It took more than a year for him to notice me though. But once we started dating around July '85, he proposed to me in September '85. I wanted desperately to be married to this man right away, but felt that for proprieties' sake, we had to wait a respectable amount of time so people wouldn't talk. We married in March '86. There were no doubts, no cold feet and we've been married for more than 17 years.

I think if there ARE doubts, the couple should slow down and take more time, or break up, depending on how strong those doubts are. And don't be the dumb friend who tells someone "Oh, everyone has cold feet." NO! They do not! I did not have cold feet or doubts with Larry and I am thankful I waited for God to find him for me.

With Larry, I just KNEW he was the one and if it weren't for worrying about what others might think, I would have married him then and there, the night he proposed.

Now, what did I learn about Larry after we were married that I didn't know before.

1) A month after our marriage, the IRS audited him and found his accountant did his tax returns wrong for several years, so they took all of MY refund and then some. This, of course, was out of his control and not worth not marrying over.

2) He was somewhat shallow. Okay, a lot. He put a lot of stock in the beauty of women and would make comments about how pretty or ugly they were. He's improved immensely, although not 100%. But still not worth divorcing over. (I got his permission to use these things, but he disagrees that he is shallow. He says he is male. Maybe there's no difference? :)

3) He didn't tip -- waiters, waitresses, hairdressers, no one -- he didn't tip. After a shocked explanation that if you don't wish to tip, you have no right eating out or getting your hair cut, he learned about tipping. No biggie now.

4) He drove too fast, too close, too carelessly. He has improved over the years, but not 100%. But is certainly not as bad as some, and has not had a wreck since we've been married. So I guess our angels work overtime protecting us, and it's certainly not something that would have stopped me from marrying him had I known sooner.

These are just trivial examples of things I learned about him that I could have made a big deal about. But thekey is: How mature are you? If you are immature, little things will bug you until you can't stand the site of the person and choose to divorce. There are certain things that should not be tolerated in a fiance: lying, cheating, stealing, infidelity. Of course, those things won't add up to a happy marriage at all. But everyone will experience little things they don't like. After all, you are now going from living alone (in most cases) to living with someone else, and that requires an adjustment period. You will step on each other's toes, you will disagree on things. You may be very opinionated and want them to always agree to do what you want to do – selfishness. But marriage requires that you compromise with one another and work things out so that you share decisions.

If you are a selfish person who always must have their way, of course, the marriage will be doomed and eventually you will want out of it. But again, during the engagement, you can pretty much tell if the person is selfish or not.

But back to the survey question. How long is long enough? How soon is too soon? If you haven't had time to see their generosity, their integrity, their honesty, their relationship with God – it's not long enough. Someone can go a year without learning that, if they don't pay attention. Others can learn those things quickly. It is also important to see how they treat their parents. Is he respectful to his mom? I've read that how he treats his mother is how he will treat his wife. Is she babied and spoiled by her parents and manipulates them to get her way? She'll be that way in marriage.

Is your partner self-motivated, hard-working, kind, tenderhearted? What do you want in a partner? If you have not taken the time to find out those things, then it is not long enough. If you figure after the marriage you'll find out those things, then you're moving too quickly. I think "long enough" is when you have gone through your checklist of important traits and have examples of the character you want in your spouse. And if you notice character traits you can't live with, and shouldn't live with, such as dishonesty, then you need to get out of the relationship, no matter what promises were made.

Other than the obvious character traits, think about interests that you expect or don't wish to have in a mate. For instance, if you believe in paying tithe and offering, and you never see him/her give an offering at church. Ask about this. If their response is that it is none of your business, or that they don't believe in giving, then this is the wrong person for you. If you don't drink and they drink a few times a year, move on. If they are divorced and have joint custody of children with their ex, you need to decide if you can handle all the ramifications of this – seeing the ex often, as well as parenting someone else's children. This is even more important if the ex and your potential future mate do not get along.

If they enjoy mountain bike riding and you do not – big deal. That is not something worth not marrying over. It will give them a chance to ride with their buddies while you do what you like to do. I do NOT believe that you have to match each other's interests 100%. There should be enough of the important ones to make it interesting, but you don't have to match all of them. And who knows, maybe they'll talk you into going mountain bike riding and you'll fall down all the time and rip up your legs on those nasty bike pedals and you'll get hot and sweaty and hate it miserably, and you'll simply stop going and tell them to just go with their friends. Or maybe you'll like it and go with them too. (My experience was the former.)

Maybe one of you loves camping and the other hates it. Is the camper going to be happy camping with friends? Can you swallow your hatred of it long enough to go until you can bear a child who will love to go with the camper parent? Or perhaps you both hate camping, and then you have children. And those children want to go on the church campout this coming weekend, on YOUR birthday. So you're then forced to go in order to make sure your children have a well-rounded life. :)

The point is, sometimes you both agree on things, but you still find yourself compromising for your children. And parents shouldn't be so selfish to always do what they want without consideration for their children. Marriage, children, all of that, requires unselfishness and willingness to compromise and work things out. You can't divorce your children (I don't think, but who knows in this society), so don't be petty about the reasons you divorce a spouse. If your adult child did the same thing as your spouse, would you refuse to love them? Of course not! Likely most things in marriage are minor irritants that can be resolved.

I can hear many of you saying about now, "Boy! Does she ramble!" And of course, this is true.

I have said repeatedly on this site: Always ask for their pastor's name and phone number, and their church address – very soon in the relationship! If they do not give it to you, or you stop hearing from them, thank God He has made it clear and move on! If you do get the information, ALWAYS contact the pastor, let them know who you are and what you're doing, and ask them questions about this person – their activities in the church, their character traits, etc. Make sure you've also asked these same questions of your partner, so that you can compare answers.

One thing you need to be concerned about when selecting a mate who has been divorced: How many times have they divorced? What do they say about whose fault it was? Do they take some blame too? Have they grown from it? Was it years ago when they were young and immature? What I'm getting at is that people who tend to find the easy way out will divorce. And they may end up divorcing you over some trivial matter too, because they are not willing to work at it! And it does take work!

There is a movie called "The Seven Year Itch" with Marilynn Monroe. I read somewhere that the itch is actually about 3-4 years after marriage and that is about the time in a marriage when things start to go a little sour and it requires a lot of work.

About our 3rd year, Larry was going to college and he would have study sessions with class members, 99% of whom were females, and things weren't going well for us. I had to pray "God, make me willing to stay with this man" – because I did not want to. I would threaten divorce, and he would swear that he would never divorce me or leave me. I don't know what would have happened had he called my bluff and said, "Okay." I wonder how many divorces are because one person threatens divorce and the other says "Okay" and then they are both too stubborn to admit that neither wants a divorce. People! -- don't threaten divorce or try to use it as a tool to get the other to straighten up. That is ridiculous and immature.

Pray together, pray alone, work things out. Find ways YOU can change to improve things. Don't always expect the spouse to change, because it takes two to make things work and there are likely things you can change too!

But just as marriage requires a lot of prayer and time together, so does pre-marriage. So, as I always say, "Be prayerful and careful."