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New for You! Coping with Death, Divorce, Grief, Anger, Pain?
Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Member Surveys
This Post has been viewed 6541 times.
Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 12/2/2003
Female - Age Range: 21-30
You know what? The best thing was being able to talk to my family and pastor about my experience and feelings. And getting the reassureance from God through them that I needed.
Without that ability or option, I don't know where I'd be!
needafriend2002:
Female - Age Range: 21-30
You may use my alias
I have been widowed 17 months. The early months I was numb, in a fog of sorts, that protected me from feeling too much pain at once. Once that feeling wore off there was much pain and grief. With the help of friends, family and online support groups for widows/widowers, I have arrived at a place where I am enjoying life again. Looking for fun and love again. I am ready to live again and I am doing just that! I have found a happy place where I can live with the 'new' me and I am ready to share this new me with some that can love and appreciate me for who I am and what I've been through. I am more than willing to share with others going down this same path. It's a difficult road to follow, but somehow we all make it. Have hope, and when you find none, I will hold it until you can find it again. There is light at the end of the cold dark tunnel called widowhood. I am a much better person for having encountered the true love of my life and have grown and matured into someone I can be proud of for having stood by his side and lost him to a terrible disease called cancer after a long hard battle. when you're 24 and a newlywed (was married 14 months) you are much more likely to be divorced than widowed. I hope in some small way my story can inspire another.
ChildOfGod4Ever:
Female - Age Range: 21-30
You may use my alias.
~~~Note to self~~~
Dear Believer, when reminded of all the horrible things that have happened to you...
Step 1: Realize what this change means to every detail of your life. Think about the long term consequences, don't run from recognising them.
Step 2: Accept that this is reality and you must deal with it head on. Take charge of your responsibilities and get through them. Lean heavily on your real friends for a short time, then let them offer their support as they choose to over the long haul.
Step 3: Be willing to do the work, but ask God to take care of the things you actually can't do on your own.
Step 4: Remember that you are not alone: others are facing difficult situations too. Some may even be experiencing the exact same things you are going through. Find a support group, locally or online, if possible.
Step 5: Remember that this is NOT God's fault, so don't blame Him, rather blame satan.
Step 6: Thank God that He doesn't manipulate people or situations, making things easier for some and harder for others. This gives each person the freedom of choice, even when those choices are wrong and hurtful. It also gives each person the option of choosing to do the right thing.
Step 7: Remember that when a drunk driver kills your relative or child, that drunk needs Jesus even more than you do and you can be Jesus to that person, that is, if you would just get over yourself long enough to do so.
Step 8: Remember that the world doesn't really owe you anything, you just think it does. Your heart is broken, and rightly so, but don't make everyone else pay for it: they have their own issues to deal with.
Step 9: Start praying for everyone whether you like them or not, but pray mostly for yourself and those who have hurt you the most, that God will soften all your hearts.
Step 10: Thank God that something even worse didn't happen to you. Then find someone who's life is even worse than yours and do something useful to help them get through their hard time. Be Jesus to that person.
Most of all, cry your head off in the presence of God, pour your heart out to Him, and don't be afraid to be brutally honest. He's a BIG God; He can take it and still LOVE you in the end. He's always there for you with a hug waiting for you if you ask Him for it, if you have the guts to ask... Don't believe me? Try it.
~~~Beep. End Note~~~
Female - Age Range: 31-40
How did I deal with divorce? Prayer, Friends, Prayer, support groups, prayer, books (Love Must Be Tough, Reconcilable Differences, etc.), prayer, time and of course prayer! By the way, it does get better!
Female - Age Range: 31-40
The best way that I dealt with the grief and bitterness about my divorce and my ex's affairs was to give it to the Lord.I then askes Him to show me in the Word of God how I could go about it.I was commanded by the Lord to Love him anyway.That meant no games,no 'getting even'.The Lord had me pray for him everyday.I thought at the time it was to bring him back but now I realize that it was to help me.When a person is continually in prayer for the person that hurt them God gives them the ability to love unconditionally and to get complete forgiveness. It was a hard on going process but definitely worth it.God has also blessed me in so many different ways.God also taught me to not fight with all the divorce proceedings.I left the divorce process to the Lord and asked Him to get me something fair.There were somethings I stood firm on and some I let go.I allowed God to determine and tell me what to do.The Lord has blessed me so much in everyway. Remember,We are to LOVE our enemies and do GOOD to those that hate us and pray for those that desptefully use us and persecute us,so that we may reap coals of fire upon their heads..Use God's princibles in your pain and see a miracle done in your life. God's princibles really do work the best and I am an example of that.Do not let satan get the best of us and blind us into disobeying the Lord.God will show you the wayif we are sincerely asking HIM to. Thank you for your time.God Bless you.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I deal with my divorce one day at a time. I don't ask or expect much more than what I can give on each day. I try to be strong for my children but I allow myself to be human and cry or reflect when I need to.
I'm trying to learn forgiveness and know how important it is for me to reach that point so that I can move on and find happiness and love again.
A phrase repeats itself in my head when I am having a hard time. 'IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED THAN TO NEVER HAVE LOVED AT ALL.'
This phrase keeps HOPE in my heart that even though I feel pain now...I remember that I also felt love once and hope to feel it again someday.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
My favorite cousin died horribly: On a back-road, a truck knocked his car off the road; he slammed into a wall, fell out of the car, got pinned under his car soaked with gasoline, remained conscious for about 4 hours before anyone realized that he was there, suffered extensive brain damage and was put on life support. After 8 days he officially died. During those eight days I constantly prayed for his recovery, refusing to give up. My thinking was ‘I worship a God of miracles and I have complete faith that He will bring my cousin back from the brink’.
When my cousin died I cried continually for days, feeling a profound sense of loss. That was when I first realized that a heart-ache was something literal. On the morning of the funeral I went completely numb, and something inside me started to harden. I pulled away from my family and from the Lord as well. For a whole year after that I never went to church, blaming God for not stepping in when he could have helped my cousin, and for dragging out his death over 8 days. Whenever anyone asked about my absence from church, my excuse was that I (really) spent every weekend in the country. But in the country I never went to church either. My lifestyle didn't change, I simply cut God out of the picture.
After a year, a church brother talked to me seriously about my absence from church. I cried so hard that I felt that my heart would literally break. All my bitterness, anger and pain were poured out in my tears. He prayed with me and successfully encouraged me to change my outlook and come back to the Lord.
After that I got in touch with my other cousins, who told me that three weeks before my cousin died he had given his heart to the Lord. The Lord had called His child home! If I had stayed close to them and given THEM the comfort that they needed, I would have found that out a whole year before. Sometimes I wonder if God laughs at my pettiness and short-sightedness.
Since then I have viewed death in terms of a person’s fitness for God’s kingdom. If someone dies in Christ, I take comfort in the fact that I will see that person again in the Earth made new. If the person appears to have died without the Lord, I make sure to comfort the survivors. I no longer fly into God’s face when bad things happen. I recognize that He has his own plans that I may not understand yet. So I wait on the Lord to show me His reasons for allowing (apparently) bad things to happen. I also recognize that when the Lord allows bad things to happen to me, maybe it’s not about ME. I may be just one of several people that the Lord uses to play a minor role to cause something good to happen to someone else.
angelteazzer:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
'you may use my alias' I went through the death of my father 20 years ago. I went through the death of my mother one year ago October 23. I can say thier is a big diffrence in how i have handled the grief of my mother death. My fathers was sudden. He died at the age of 47. I did CPR on him. I was 20 years old. My mother died a slow death. She had a stroke that broke her body. Then cancer slowley ate away at her spirit. It took my mother two and one half years to die. The cancer that finely took her life was a fast spreading cancer. I watched a once vibrent women break and crumble as time eroded her. Hospice counceling really helped. I started the Hospice counceling when she was diagnosed with Peritenial cancer and the Hospice team was calld in. They are wonderful, non threatening, non judgmental. I did not hear rebukes for my feelings, i did not hear christian platitudes. Acceptence is the word i would choose. It has been a little over a year since my mother death, however i am doing quiet well. The week before the first anniversery of her death i got sick, or what i thought was sick. What was happening inside me is hard to describe. I was feeling the greif and pain of my mothers death anew. This is normal. When she first died i could not feel the full force of my grief, shock set in. that is normal too. As your mind protect itself. I do feel God will put nothing on you that you can not bare. He told me in dreams everything that was going to happen befoer it did, God also told me he was with me and was in control. I trust him. Grief is diffrent for everyone. Thier are not set stages and times to go through them. You can be in all the stages at the same time for any lengh of time. I have found people who do not go through the Hospice grief counceling do not handel things well. They think they are handeling things but they really are not. But the choice is still up to them to go or to hold onto their pain.
PatientPrincess:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
YOU MAY USE MY ALIAS
The underlying pain and agony caused by the death of a loved one is something that nothing we learn in life can ever prepare us for. Three years ago I lost my sister tragically (she was hit by a car while crossing the road at a pedestrian crossing). The pain of the loss I know will never go away.
During the period immediately following her death, I experienced feelings of disbelief, anger, grief, loneliness and a sadness beyond explaination. What was worst was that everyone else in the family, my father, sisters and brothers, and her only child. were depending on me to be the strong one.
Prior to the funeral my days were filled with activities geared towards planning the service so I was constantly on the move. Every morning at about 5:30 the telephone would ring and it would be someone different calling each time to express sympathy or to check on the arrangements. Then the phones would continue to ring for the rest of the day. The day of the funeral was one of the longest I ever experienced, and when it was all over I was somewhat relieved. We had two services and had to drive to the country for the 2nd one because we wanted to bury her at our family home in our own plot. The support at the funeral was tremendous. Between the two funerals, there were close to a thousand persons. We were very heartened by this show of support.
It was really after the funeral that I got a chance to grieve being by myself for the first time since the tragedy. I find that I still have not come to grips with my loss yet as I sometimes still think she is here with us. My sister was the most progressive of the family up to that point. She was at the University reading for her Masters Degree in Education after having taught for over 25 years. She had just one reasearch paper to hand in to completer her Degree. All this made it so much harder for us to accept. Last month marked the 3rd anniversary of her passing and on the day in question I woke up feeling really sad. I lit the memorial candle and then knelt and had worship with my son at my side. The tears flowed as I expected but it was not as painful as it was previously. The Lord was by my side and He assured me that He would always be there.
Our main stay during those hard days leading up to the funeral was our firm belief and trust in God. He gave us full assurance that He was there with us and that He would continue to guide us along. The brethren from church were also very supportive and they would stop by often and pray with us. Our Pastor was a tower of strength to us being with us all along offering his assistance in any way he could.
I continue to rely on the neverchanging grace and mercy of our King to see me through. Some days are dark and dreary, but He continues to love and sustain and strenghten me. I am especially happy that my niece has been healing slowly and is getting on with her life.
We know that life has not and will never be the same for us again, but we have the assurance that God will never leave us nor forsake us. We also have the confidence that this parting is not forever because we are all believers and our loved one died in the Lord. We know that if we are faithful to the end then we will meet with her and the other faithfuls and live with Christ in His glory, never to part again.
I would encourage anyone faced with similar grief and pain to put their trust in the Lord and allow Him to lead. God knows best so we just have to believe that He is working things out for us. If you are reading this and you have not yet given your life to the Lord, may I use this medium to encourage you to turn your life over to Christ now. This life is full of uncertainties and in this world of turmoil, the only unchanging and unchangable force we have is from the God of the universe. Why not confess your sins to Him today and ask Him for forgiveness. He says He will never forsake you and if you come to Him, He will in no wise cast you out.
God is stupendous, He is audacious, He is awsome. Plug into His power today and you are sure to get victory over sin and its consequences. My prayer is that we will all be faithful to Him who hath made us and go to live with Him when He shall come.
God bless you all.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
When my father died, I was only 27. I felt numb for the longest time; as, it was sudden, unexpected. It took several days for the feelings to begin. I guess, looking back, it was the constant talking with the Lord that was the greatest comfort. Although, I really believe that we must have human support at such times of loss.
My divorce was another thing. It was something I could do nothing about as well. My husband had been unfaithful but refused help. And wouldn't u know, he did it again. Unfortunately, he also became VERY violent a little after his refusal. Eventually, lives became endangered and I realized, I should have possibly left sooner.
At that time, there was next to zero support for me. I had to support the children, now confused and feeling quite angry at the new set up. Of course they had loved their dad, and missed him from day to day. I felt ripped apart by the breaking of the 7th commandment which tore me out of the house.
I had no human beings to turn to at the time. I was in a denomination then, which believed wholeheartedly that I should have stayed unto death. I began to think they may have been right after many lectures given to me. And much hell fire. I began drinking alcohol, smoking cig. and having an affair. This was because I was so cornered; if God wanted me to stay, then He was not loving and caring as I had been told. If I was not to remarry, then I was in the same position! What was I to do>
After 2 years and a half of this life, I had had it with me. I was now in 12 step groups, and all I found there was more of the same.!
After almost 3 years of being away from the situation, I received a phone call from my mother, who said there was a Seventh-day Adventist church in town, and wouldn't I like to attend with her. We had both just moved to this town, and she searched the ph. book for church to attend. She had been to an SDA church when she was a teen; and had sweet memories without any condemnation to them. She thought of me to invite me. I went, because of her statements about the religion.
For the first time, I didn't feel condemned at a fellowship. Maybe it was me, but I thought when they knew about my situation, they would either condemn me, or make me feel like I should be proud and angry for 'leaving such a violent and unfaithful man who would tear his family up like that,' if you know what I mean.
If there was ever a supportive group, it was these folks! Since then, I have been sat down with, and they showed me from the Word of God, how to look at the situation, and to close the whole thing; happily looking for a new mate, trusting the Lord fully. This saved me from ever wanting again to hurt the Lord like I had, ever again. I believe we need people, we need a church!
Female - Age Range: 41-50
In being divorced, it brought a multitude of feelings pouring through. Of course there is the grief in the loss of the 'married forever' promise I made. There was also hurt in that I relized that the intuitions I'd felt were true.....infidelity was only the beginning. I had been abused prior to the marriage but thought that that would change once we were truly commited to each other. That only multiplied the situations and matters grew worse. With feeling that I needed to stay in the relationship cause I'd promised that 'til death do us part', I shouldn't get out of the marriage no matter what. I tolerated the abuse for 21 years. Only with finding the infidelity did I see that I had a 'reason' to break the promise. It was in finding that the infidelity went beyond what I'd first discovered. It included a church 'friend' and so many church members knew and hadn't told me. That was where the anger and bitterness came in. I was the 'last to know'. I had to work through forgiveness and the lengthy journey to put the past in the past. God has been so awesome in that I've forgiven that 'friend' and we're on cordial terms today. It's a peace that I can't even describe. With all the self-help books that I read, I learned that holding on to bitterness only hurt me more. I needed to be able to forgive and find the truest peace out there. Thank you Lord! I have been able to put the past in it's rightful place. God has provided lessons of many kinds and it's what I do about them that makes the difference. What have I learned......in whatever comes my way to always look to the ONE that is the ROCK.......He'll never change or waiver.....and He's brought me safely through to the other side of a very traumatic situation.....With more courage to keep walking and taking chances......Praise God!
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I am a widow whose beloved passed away last January.
When he was gone, I felt bereft and lost. My church and friends and family were a constant source of comfort and love. I still continue to deal with ovewhelming feelings of grief but I am getting better. I also see a grief counselor as well as a p-doc because of mental issues I have to deal with at this time. That helps as well. In time, it will get better and that is becoming true. But remember that what works for me may not work for someone else because we all have to grieve in our own ways.
God Bless!
Female - Age Range: 41-50
Feel angry that my mother died suddenly and without (as far as I know) knowing Christ. She was young, fit and healthy or seemed it, she died dancing, just collapsed and died.When my sister rang me I just could have exploded with unbelief. It would be so much easier to bear if I knew she was with Christ and I feel tormented where she may be now. Had a horrible picture of her during the early days after her death.
[Editor's Note: For an understanding of what the Bible teaches about death, please see these FREE studies online: Hell-Fire, A Twisted Truth Untangled, Grave Errors About Death, The Rich Man and Lazarus and Absent from the Body.]
JOYFULLYFORHIM:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I have been widowed and divorced. Having your partner die is very tramatic, but the steps to follow are not questioned.
You may use my alias. Being divorced is more difficult to cope with because the hurts can keep coming. (Divorce, the gift that keps on giving...and giving...and....) The offenses pile up instead of the hurt being so final as death is.
To get through either one, you need to Lord and you need to remember...never...never...NEVER EVER, let yourslf sink into self pity....DON'T feel sorry for yourself. God is there to comfort you but don't SINK into that mire of self pity!!!
jet1encourager:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
You may use my alias - My husband was having extramaritial goings on for at least 2 1/2 years before the latest girlfriend phoned me to tell me of their 6-month affair. I had been prayin for God to reveal his doings and to prepare me and He did. But still my whole body went numb at the reality of it all. I did not sleep that whole night.I was up quoting scripture and crying. Any way, I have a little 'loaf' with scripture cards in it. I picked one before I went to bed the next night and it said, 'I am with you to deliver you.' The next night I picked, 'I will bind up your broken heart'. Next night - 'Underneath are the everlasting arms.' My divorce was very nasty and stressful and painful. I really loved that fella. Any way, it is still not over so I ask for your prayers. I made and am still making it because of the scriptures and my relationship with God. My strength is in God and in His word. God is real. So much more real when we are going through fire. He is wonderful. I thank God for His love.
Female - Age Range: 51-60
My favorite Bible text is Psalms 139. I can remember days I felt like it just wasn't worth the struggle of struggling. Knowing I had to take care of my daughter was the only thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. Add to that 'friends' who thought they knew what I was doing wrong and never asked for any explanation. I have a small idea how Job must have felt. Through it all, I clung to the knowledge that God knows me better than I know myself. He understands and loves beyond anything we can ever understand. Even when it seemed all the world was darkness, God saw through it all. He knew where I was even during the times I felt completely alone. There were also days when all I could pray was, 'Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.' I am now on the other end of the tunnel. Looking back, I can see how God lead even when I couldn't really believe that He was.
I have also had an intense struggle with anger and bitterness. Severely abused as a child, I was unable to forgive--so I just burried it. But it was still there. One day a few years ago I finally realized I was still hurting myself with the anger, but couldn't let go of it because I had carried it for so long. I told God to forgive the people for me. I gave Him permission to forgive them and teach me how to forgive. I don't know how or when it happened, but I suddenly realized one day that the anger and bitterness were gone. God had worked in me to forgive. He had removed the anger and pain. He had honored my request even when I was totally unable to accomplish it. That has been the biggest miracle in my entire life. I can't tell you exactly when or how it happened. I only know that God blessed and answered a prayer I didn't even have faith to believe that He would.
ChattanoogaRox:
Female - Age Range: 51-60
You may use my alias.
I got over the pain in many ways. We were supposed to be in a long term relationship. We weren't married but I had made a committment to be loyal and faithful nonetheless. After my close-to-death partner occupied my bed for almost a year he became healthy after a surgery I coaxed him into. Seeing that his impending death was more a figment of his imagination and a plea for sympathy I grew tired of being his nurse. Although it's behind me I also had to do much caring for him. I'm not a martyr but that's an important part of my story. He became well, began walking daily, and met someone else. Originally, I thought only about getting even. I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me. Then I wanted to inform the husband of the adulterer that was involved with my partner. I talked to family and friends, and wrote and wrote until my hands ached with arthritic pain. Then God put it on my heart that I had no business being with that man anyway. Our Father further exemplified His word when I attended 'Renewing the Heart' a Dr. James Dobson conference that my dear brother sent me to. It finally dawned on me one day after many people had prayed for me that God loves me and that I don't NEED a man to complete my life. Jesus is the only man I need. I asked my partner to leave my life to never return. When I finally wrote this to my former partner it slowly but surely became a reality. After much soul searching and taking of a personal inventory I kept telling myself I didn't need a man to make my life complete. I listened more closely to my heart as I knew God would let me know what my next move should be. That's when I got busy with the business of going to church. I wanted my granddaughter to attend church and even asked Joyce Meyer to pray for me in that respect as well as others. I asked my daughter if she objected to my taking her child to church. I hadn't yet gone back myself. Again God put it on my heart that my daughter wasn't going to care where I took that precious child as long as she had some time to herself so I just announced that I was going to take her. Getting involved with any activity may have been enough but I was lead to church instead. It was as if God had appointed sentinels to watch over me. Some people helped us out the very first time we went back. Then others seemed to come out of no where with arms opened wide with acceptance and love. I don't attend every time the doors are open but I feel wanted in God's home like I never have before. While my wounds healed I found others I could help in some small way which made me feel more useful. It also occupied my mind so I wasn't thinking about the hurt I had once again endured. I've decided under my circumstances I don't need to get emotionally involved with a potential partner until I get my own life straightened out. The desperateness I once felt has subsided because I no longer feel alone or unloved. I simply made up my mind I was going to make it through this final infarction no matter what. I force the thoughts out of my mind as to what my former partner may have been doing. The devil tries to bring them back to me but I stay busy. While I've forgiven my former partner and am trying to forgive his play mate there is still some pain. I walk through it and go on the best I can. Perhaps the pain is meant to be there so I won't make such foolish mistakes again.
Oddly enough the tension, stress and strain has all but been eliminated from my life. It was a joyous Thanksgiving simply because there was peace and quiet once again in our home. It was a lovely sight to have my children, and granddaughter just enjoy a movie together in the same room last night. Those were things we hadn't done since the (devilish) character had entered our lives. I thank God for the simple pleasures in our lives and all His blessings all the time everyday and look forward to many more. I read somewhere today that if you have a smile on your face and a song in your heart you will see things more positively and it will be. That is what I had before the evil one came to me. I began regaining it shortly after he left but only through the Grace of God.
Female - Age Range: 51-60
I had a lot of counseling with a great Christian counselor, which helped a lot. I also did a lot of journaling,which was a great benefit. It is a wonderful release to get all of those emotions out of you, where you can more easily analyze them and deal with them. Don't just leave them festering inside!!
Also, emotional trauma will put you into more of a right brain mode, so use it to be creative: write poetry, write some music (that's what I did), paint a picture, make some sketches, plant a flower garden... It is a great release and a really satisfying pleasure.
And of course, keep close to God! Pray often, and read His word. I read through the books of Psalms, Isaiah, and Jeremiah especially, writing down all the promises that I thought applied to me. I still often re-read them, and am blessed.
Female - Age Range: 51-60
' I am sorry to tell you, Your son is dead'.These words came to me one morning at 5am. I still do not like to answer the phone after nine or in the middle of the night. There are no words to describe those first few minutes of shock,denial and utter despair.
I am not sure coping is an appropriate word for dealing with severe grief.
I think we are raised to basically ignore grief as an emotion.When someone we love dies others expect us to grieve for 1-2 weeks maybe one month but after that it is expected that it is time to get on with your life and put closure on your grief and your loss. Dont get me wrong this is not done out of callousness or by noncaring people this is a real expectation in our society. I myself may have reacted this way too before I found out from personal experience grief as a life of its own. To some extent you must go on with your life. There are obligations to meet and other family members to care for.Real grief is very stunning and severe in the beginning and as time goes on it lessens its grip but there are days when just a thought of a forgotten smile or sound of a voice or a glimpse of someone or something familiar will briefly open the flood gate of tears and emotions.
I have lost 2 sons one at 1 minute of age and one at 22 years of age. There is nothing to describe how to cope with the loss of your child. It is your worst nightmare. They are your hope for the future someone you have put your whole being and soul into. There are no magical words or notions to help prepare you for the death of your child or for the death of someone you love.
I have also lost other people including a best friend,my grandparents and my mother.
The only thing I can think to say is,give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need to. It is a life long process. It is true you do not continue to feel the loss as deeply after one year. But you never forget . You just find a way of living without the person and find a way to go on with your life. Life has a way of continuing on and the best thing you can do is trust that God really wants the best for us and will help us through whatever we need to get through.
It has been 12 years since my son lost his life on Christmas Eve and I still think of him everyday. I am sad he is missing his life and had to die at such a young age. He was just beginning the best part of his life and he was so bright, happy and full of life and such a nice person. But we dont make the decision of who lives and who dies.Someday we can talk to Jesus about why these things had to happen. I know I will see my sons again because Jesus has made this promise to us.To me this is the best comfort trusting God and going forward.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
Not very well. I have had a little support but not what I needed from family and friends. He alienated his family from me so I lost them, too.
It seems to me that guys are supported more - at least they are asked to people's homes to eat while we women are presumed able to cook for ourselves. And we are left alone to do so. I feel like I have spent my life doing for others but when the 'chips are down,' I am left to fend for myself.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
It took me years to get over the betrayal of my husband of 36 years. The shock, the anger all had to take place. I was numb with it all. But God saw me through it, (not without the pain), but I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I can honestly say that I am at a much better place NOW than I ever was while married. I certainly still believe in marriage, but it takes commitment on both parts.......God bless all who go through this. But God will see you through.....
Cornerstar3:
Female - Age Range: 61-70
You may use my alias.
I must admit that the first and second time I became a widow, I had great support from the Hospice Association who are wonderful in helping deal with a loss.
But I sometimes wonder how a person makes it that do not have Jesus to lean on to.
Even though you tell them you love them, there seems to always be that nagging thought that you did not tell them enough.
The best way to deal with it is to remember when someone tells you they want to help, give them something to do, even if it is some small thing, like taking out the trash, because they really do want to help you, but do not know what to do.
I know that if I heard someone else say, 'Time heals'
I would have screamed. But time does heal but it does not take away the hurt of losing and missing that loved one.
Keep busy, join a support group, listen to others who have gone through the loss. That is why I am so proud that Nannete has added this subject because it will help others.
The Church family is the best way to help. Get involved in all the Church activities that you can.
When you have bad days, call someone close and talk to them. Do not keep it bottled up, it will just fester and make things worse.
Do not ever be ashamed of crying. They are worth every tear that you shed for them.
Prayer works. Believe me.
When my Brother died November 5, 2003, he died on his Daughter's birthday. She is such a good little Christian lady.
She told me that she had something that no one else had. She got to celebrate her birthday when her Daddy celebrates his arrival into Heaven.
I am so thankful that this site has added a prayer room where we can go to pray with others who are grieving.
It has been Blessed by many because I know that I and many others have slipped into the room and asked God to place angels around the room, to bless each and everyone who enters the prayer room.
Anytime that I can pray with any body, please contact me, I am constantly in prayer and just love an excuse to have knee time with the Lord.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
I have been very upset all day today and I have cried this whole day....it is not easy...It is so hard to find someone, I am a wee bit shy...I don't know if someone is interested or not...things have changed since I was younger....I miss my husband, but I want to get on with my life...I have made many changes since he passed..I pray..I go to church..I try to keep busy in helping others....I work...but I am still lonely...I miss the affection and the conversation of a man....I have no family....I have no one, but me and friends...but they do not want me around all of the time.....and the single ones...back bite...even the Christian ladies...oh yes....I have asked myself if I am wanting a relationship for all of the right reasons.....and yes.....but men have changed today.....it is scary...the Christian men are worse then the men that are not Christian....They are looking for the woman they had 50 years ago....come on, give us ladies a break......I will spend the holidays by myself as I did last year...I will volunteer at agencies....and then go home to an empty house....I am not asking you to feel sorry for me...I am only telling you these things because I am not alone....there are thousands of men and women out there like me....and we need someone in our lives......I don't want to go the rest of my life with out a companion.....I have a lot to offer a man...I miss my husband...and he would never want me to be alone....If I didn't have the Lord in my life, and know that he loves and cares for me....I could not cope....It is him being on the cross that keeps me going.....So you folks that are out there, smile at the person that you pass...Lend a helping hand to your neighbor...Invite a widow man or widow lady for a cup of coffee...even if they don't meet up to your specfications...or dressed the way you are....a hug, and a pat on the back goes a long way....and yes, you pastors out there in small churches....forget that you are the pastor....and be one of your flock...Humble yourself and walk in their shoes....Not all of you are like that..and God Bless those of you that are not....I sleep no more then 4 hours a night if I am lucky...I am sleep deprived....I took care of my husband for 3 years of his 5 years of cancer....I worked full time...and cared for him without any help.....the last 6 months of his life took a toll on both of us.....He didn't want to burden me...and I didn't want to see him that way......I laid down beside of him each and everyday to let him know that I loved him....and I needed that myself........Nothing is easy in this life....no one said it would be....even we Christian people know that......Having and knowing Jesus is what keeps me going.........Thank you for allowing me to write this....it unloaded a lot from me....and maybe in some small way, I have talked to others in the same situation.....God Bless.....Heaventome
Female - Age Range: 61-70
I believe I handled the death of my loved one very well, it seemed it was such a busy time for at least 3 weeks, so much paper work,there seemed there was no time for any thing else, and at the end of the third week, my elderly Mother, got sick, and then from that time until the present she has taken up my time. So, I think I handled every thing quite well. Taking care of her is just an extension of my life that is on hold.
monza6:
Male - Age Range: 31-40
You may use my alias
I would like to say that the deppression and anger that comes along with a divorce is not too easy to get over.
I did it by staying freinds with my ex wife wich was not all that easy to do either.
Dont just disapear from each others lives if you want to stay freinds lett your family still treat them as family.
We got together a number of times to discuss what we felt the problems were and how to deal with them and that helped put the past behind us.
We did not argue or put blame on each other and we came to the conclusion that too much had happened for us to actualy get back together. so we went on with the divorce.
I would like to say that as a christian it was somthing that i did not beleive in and felt it should have been avoided .
Even as a Ex you should still communicate and be freindly to one another and i know that under some instances it is very very hard to do especialy under the circumstances of infadelity or abuse.
Thank The Lord i did not have to deal with those things.
Dealing with being apart from somone you still loved was the hardest thing i ever had to do.
My advice to deal with this may not work for somone else.
Avoid all conflict if you can.
talk to each other about what the problems were.
Dont finger point.
Dont be Vengful and do things that will make you enemys.
Be open with your feelings.
And most important is to communicate.
Lack of communication is what killed my marriage.
And being with somone who does not communcate can be quite frusrtating to say the least.
At leasts if you can actualy be freinds And not the we can still be freinds thing that people use to make themseves feel better when they break up and dont really mean it.
You can at least end the divorce on half way good terms.
alexG:
Male - Age Range: 41-50
You may use my alias.
It would be so easy to say my life is full of misery and suffering but then I must take responsibility and say that half of it is my own doing. I made a terrible mistake in my life. Because of that my children live in another persons home away from both of their parents without the opportunity to even know their own father. Coping with the pain of a devestating divorce is difficult at times but has become more bearable the more I learn about God and the love he bestows upon us through Christ. Giving in to anger, self-pity, depression, or despair is the easy route. I found myself more of a real man when I didn't give into those negative feelings and embraced God's spiritual love which has helped give me the commitment to lead a healthy and happy life the way the Bible shows me is the right way to live. There are still times of sadness but I know there is love in my heart too thanks to Jesus!
Male - Age Range: 41-50
I cope with these things first with prayer, then with the support of my friends and family, and finally, I see a therapist and/or psychiatrist.
Male - Age Range: 41-50
My wife died Jan 5 2003, I cried at night for a short time and went back to work after the Memorial to keep my mind going. I have 2 boys still at home and had to be strong for them, they are 16 and 18. About 4 months after I started to date, and although I just want to find someone and settle down, I do still greive and my 20th was hard but Jesus is getting me through it. My prayer time has longer now and more often. I miss having a wife to be with. Jeepsailor
Male - Age Range: 51-60
most things we deal with have processes such as frief there in my opinion is a unnesery process as councling someone right after the death of a person this is to soon thee is a process we must first accept our loss and not be in denial of it before we can revieve efective councl when something happens wther death divorce or any tradgity comes our way and we shoulld not get councel until we accept it to be efective or in my opinion we waste time and money while not accepting it but dening it
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